Survivor: Federation
by Temporal Paradox
Summary: I completely overhauled this. It's now in narrative form.The crews of the Enterprises compete in Survivor. Who will win?


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, yaddah, yaddah, yadda. I don't own survivor, nor do I want to. If you think you can sue me, you can't because I have this disclaimer, so go sulk!

This has been revised from a script form that has been removed.

The camera pointed at the host, who welcomed the audience to Survivor: Federation. He had the three teams introduce themselves. First, the Classic Trek team, with Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekhov, Number One, (she couldn't remember her name, but had no problem with that) and Ensign Redshirt. Then the TNG tribe introduced themselves: Picard, Riker, Data, Troi, Crusher, Worf, Wesley, and Tasha Yar. Finally, the from the Enterprise team, Archer and T'pol introduced themselves, but Hoshi suddenly realized that she couldn't remember her last name. She immediately realized it was because Archer _always_ called her Hoshi, never by her formal title. She glared at Archer, who started to get nervous.

Fortunately for him, though, Kirk and Picard pointed out the disqualification that the Federation hadn't existed in Archer's time. They began to beat up on him. The host did nothing to intervene, because they were, after all, quite right. And Archer deserved a good beating. The author was planning on removing the Enterprise team about that time, anyway, and snapped his fingers, causing the Enterprise crew to vanish, with the exception of T'pol, who was taken to the author's chambers for some mind and body melding, and Archer, who tried his best to stand like nothing had happened. Then the author really showed his sadistic streak, and put Archer in a mirror universe agony booth.

With Archer out of the way, Kirk suddenly noticed another reason to complain. "Hey, you guys have two more men than we do!" Then all hell broke loose. The Defiant swept in on an incredibly low pass, and strafed the teams, killing Worf. On the bridge, Sisko was cackling triumphantly, yelling, "Worf has gone AWOL for the last time!"

Before the Defiant fully recloaked, the Traveler appeared out of nowhere. He looked quite deranged, and screamed, "You won't get away so easy, you little snot-nosed, overachieving, geek! I'll hunt you down if it's the last thing I do!" So saying, he fired psionic beams from his forehead at Wesley, but Wesley disappeared into another dimension before they hit him, and they harmlessly went into Ensign Redshirt, killing him and leaving little more than a scorch on the ground. McCoy slowly sauntered over to the scorch, stared at it for a good ten seconds, and then said, "He's dead, Jim."

Troi took her good time fully assessing what she had felt from the Traveler, before saying, "I'm sensing hostility." Yar responded, "Gee, really? I wouldn't have guessed!" "Wait, Tasha, aren't you dead?" Having had that pointed out, Yar vanished from existence. Data responded immediately, spewing an immense series of curse words so fast nobody could quite make out anything he said but the end, "and the horse you rode in on!" Riker had no idea why everybody turned to him.

To himself, Data sobbed, "Now I only have the Borg Queen." She called to him out of nowhere, "I've been killed at least twice, but we'll always have Unimatrix Negative One."

"Well, I think that makes us even, doesn't it?" said Picard. Kirk just muttered in a whiny sort of way. The host, who had been cowering in the fetal position for the last five minutes, thought it might be safe and poked his head up. "Is it over? Can we start?" The author turned up the setting on the agony booth. Archer screamed. They continued.

"Okay, welcome to Survivor: Federation. Now - -" He was interrupted.

"It's a Russian Inwention," said Chekhov.

"Huh?"

"It was inwented by young man in Stalingrad."

Kirk whipped out his phaser and said, "Chekhov, shut up with the Stalingrad stories!" He atomized Chekhov, but the author wasn't satisfied. He had Chekhov's mouth re-form so he could do his standard scream before he died.

The host asked, "Can we start now?"  
"We'd better," said Crusher, "we're already getting close to half way down page two."

Troi cut in. "I'm sensing pain!" Archer screamed.

"Oh. Nevermind."

The host explained, "Okay, first, you will spend as long as you can in a decompression chamber."

"That is illogical." said Spock. "To have us entertain the reading audience by merely testing our psychological ability to withstand outgassing, is highly illogical. Especially on a show like Survivor. Surely, you see the illogic of degrading your already abysmal show to the level of 'Fear Factor'?"

The host listened patiently, then said, "your refusal means you are removed from the island." Spock vanished in a puff of smoke. McCoy said, "He's disqualified, Jim. And I, for one, am pleased."

"When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it, you old sawbones!" said Kirk.

"I'm a doctor, not a doormat! exploded McCoy.

Kirk stepped forward. "I'll go first, since I'm the robust captain, with sex appeal and practice."

"This isn't a safe test, Jim," cautioned McCoy.

"I don't believe I asked for your advice!" blazed Kirk, who shot him.

"I'm dead, Jim," said McCoy.

"GOOD!" said everybody.

Kirk got in the chamber, overacted for half an hour, ripped his shirt, and refused to come out, even for embalming.

The host said, "Well, since everybody from the Classic Tribe is either dead or forgettable, it's time for the TNG crew to decompress!"

"I'm not going in there," said Picard. "In the 24th century, captains are big wimps who don't put themselves in danger unless it's absolutely necessary for the story."

"It is illogical for me to go in," said Data, "as I am an android and do not need air or atmospheric pressure."

"And I agree with McCoy," said Dr. Crusher.

A rustling and thumping came from the head. (Bathroom to landlubbers) It was Troi and Riker. "I'm sensing _great_ lust..." said Riker. "Hey, that's my line," said Troi. "By the way, did you notice how my boobs have firmed up?" A great revulsion overcame the rest of the TNG tribe. "Let's decompress the head," said Picard. Data concurred.

"I've had enough!" screamed the host. "The winner is Number Six, okay?" And Number Six said, "Why?"

Number One muttered like the computer, then exploded.

"Who knew we were really in a television studio in Burbank?" said Picard.

"Who knew she was a robot?" said Data.

Archer screamed.


End file.
